The Liquor Cabinet

Retarded acts of drinking are nothing like the conventional ‘drinking game’.  They cannot be classified as drinking games because there is really no way to win.  Peer pressure, bad judgment, and a need for attention will almost guarantee that you’ll be the moron performing one of these acts.  We’ve singled out 5 of the most pointless, so that you may think back to this article when you’re being hoisted high above a keg this weekend.

5) The Shotgun

How To: Puncture bottom of beer can, place your mouth on the opening, and open the beer.  This results in beer flowing into your mouth at high rates of speed.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Shotgun

You would be better off: Just drinking a beer fast.  Shotgunning a beer leaves about 1/4 of your beer on the floor.  Unless you live in a frat house or trailer park there is no reason to shotgun a beer.

4) The Kegstand

How To: Place hands on top of keg and let others lift your legs high above you.  One person will be designated to put the beer nozzle in your mouth once you are in a hand stand position.

You would be better off:

Pouring the beer into a cup like everyone else.  If hand stands are what you’re after, you can try one after you’ve guzzled 6 or 7 beers (preferably near the fire pit).  No one wants your saliva in their beer, the only reason people agree to assist with keg stands is for the possibility of epic failure.

3) 40 Hands

How To: Tape a 40 to each of your hands.  Use duct tape and make sure it is impossible to remove the 40’s without assistance.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Edward 40 Hands

You would be better off: Just drinking one 40 at a time.  The idea of 40 hands is to drink 80 ounces of beer before you can use your hands again.  Well, most of us know that after a few beers nature will let us know that its our turn to piss all over someones bathroom.  Asking for immunity would result in a list of insults (usually involving female genitalia).  The only way to get out of that duct tape is to drink, and drink fast.  80 ounces of booze in your stomach in a matter of minutes is no picnic, yet this game is probably being played right now somewhere in the world.

2) The Beer Bong

How To: Pour beer into funnel, attach mouth to hose, and guzzle.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Hot Girl Beer Bong

You would be better off: Much like the shotgun, beer bongs are incredibly wasteful.  If its the oral fixation you’re after; then remove the hose, and place it into a large cup of beer.  Use it like a straw, and be less wasteful.  If you look anything like the girl above, I suggest you tongue the tip of the hose in between drinking.  This will let everyone know that even though you failed at Jenny Craig, you’re still #1 in other areas.

1) The Flaming Shot

How To: Pour shot, light shot on fire, blow fire out, and take the shot.

You would be better off: Actually if you follow the rules above, you will be fine.  Flaming shots are there to dazzle, and you’re ready to become the center of attention.  Show everyone in the room that you’re smarter than a caveman from the Geiko commercials, and blow the fucking flame out first.  If you don’t thats fine, just be sure to get it on tape.