The Liquor Cabinet

So you’ve been drinking a fair amount of vino and hop in the car with your two young children. Pretty soon you see the cherries flashing in your rear view mirror and pull over. You’re drunk and you know it. Time to make a serious choice.

Do you:
A) Tell the cop you’ve had some wine and take the field sobriety test.
B) Politely decline a field sobriety test, breathalyzer or any other test and keep quiet until you get a lawyer cause you KNOW you’re drunk.
C) Hide your keys in your vagina and insist that you weren’t driving. Then proceed to swear at the cop when they ask you to take a field sobriety test until they arrest you, strip search you and find out exactly what you were hiding.

At a St. Patty’s day party this weekend I talked to a cop and a lawyer about this question. Both said option B is the best choice if you know you’re drunk. Now, I was a little hammered at the time, but I’m just about certain that nothing even CLOSE to option C was mentioned in our conversation. However, according to the Peterleemail that was the exact advice given to 38 year old Jennifer Lowery by a friend. Here’s how it went down:

“She was asked to produce the keys and disputes she had driven the vehicle and was searched,” added Mrs Jones.

She said this was followed by an “intimate search”, which she also called a “strip search”.

Mrs Jones said that although Lowery maintained she had not been driving, she admitted she had hidden the keys because a friend had told her you could not be charged without the keys.

So make a serious ‘note to self’ ladies… (car keys + vagina != no DUI).

In the last few years it seems that being a teacher and sleeping with your students is the ‘in’ thing to do. So we compiled a list of some of the hottest teachers to, ahem, inappropriately relate with their students.

Cameo Patch
Age at time of offense: 29
Location: Toole County, UT

Occupation: Substitute Teacher
Lover: 17 year-old male student
Crime: Performing oral sex on a minor. Charged with unlawful sexual conduct and lewdness
Sentence: $2000 fine, 36 months probation and ordered to obtain a psycho-sexual evaluation.

Angela Comer
Age at time of offense: 26
Location: Kentucky

Occupation: Middle School Math Teacher
Lover: 14 year-old male student
Crime: Fled the country with a 14-year-old lover and her four-year-old son.
Sentence: Indicted by a grand jury in Kentucky on felony custodial interference, two counts of third-degree sodomy and four counts of unlawful transaction with a minor relating to sexual acts.

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We woke up this morning to a flurry of popular photoshopped images of Obama based upon this photo from a Reuters article.  They’re scattered about, and we dont know who made them, but they’re pretty awesome

Original(titled ‘cool’)

Then this one came out, titled ‘Cooler’.

Followed by ‘Coolest’

And then XKCD chimed in, and called this one ‘coolest-est’.

And finally we give you ‘Coolest est est’.  We see a theme here.  A theme of awesome.

About six weeks ago the sign on the right popped up in a yard that said “John Lebron at 3006 is a felon on probation”. 3006 is the address of the house next door. About three days later, a crudely drawn sign appeared in the yard of 3006 that said “This is true. I was a drug addict, but have been saved by Jesus Christ, my Savior”. That sign lasted only a few days and was eventually replaced by the sign you see here on the left which reads “Our neighbor is impotent and can’t have children”.

Good news for all you criminal justice majors out there. There’s a chance you could get placed at a prison with booze, sports and crazy drunken orgies. According to CNN, one of the nation’s largest prisons in Florida has gone through some serious in-house cleaning:

“Corruption had gone to an extreme,” McDonough said, saying it all began at the top. “They seemed to be drunk half the time and had orgies the other half, when they weren’t taking money and beating each other up.”

Some of the other action included:

• Top prison officials admitting to kickbacks;

• Guards importing and selling steroids in an effort to give them an edge on the softball field;

• Taxpayer funds to pay for booze and women;

Now I’m not saying all prisons should be like this, but should you find yourself working at one, be sure to send your high school guidance counselor something nice.