5) The Shotgun

How To: Puncture bottom of beer can, place your mouth on the opening, and open the beer.  This results in beer flowing into your mouth at high rates of speed.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Shotgun

You would be better off: Just drinking a beer fast.  Shotgunning a beer leaves about 1/4 of your beer on the floor.  Unless you live in a frat house or trailer park there is no reason to shotgun a beer.

4) The Kegstand

How To: Place hands on top of keg and let others lift your legs high above you.  One person will be designated to put the beer nozzle in your mouth once you are in a hand stand position.

You would be better off:

Pouring the beer into a cup like everyone else.  If hand stands are what you’re after, you can try one after you’ve guzzled 6 or 7 beers (preferably near the fire pit).  No one wants your saliva in their beer, the only reason people agree to assist with keg stands is for the possibility of epic failure.

3) 40 Hands

How To: Tape a 40 to each of your hands.  Use duct tape and make sure it is impossible to remove the 40’s without assistance.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Edward 40 Hands

You would be better off: Just drinking one 40 at a time.  The idea of 40 hands is to drink 80 ounces of beer before you can use your hands again.  Well, most of us know that after a few beers nature will let us know that its our turn to piss all over someones bathroom.  Asking for immunity would result in a list of insults (usually involving female genitalia).  The only way to get out of that duct tape is to drink, and drink fast.  80 ounces of booze in your stomach in a matter of minutes is no picnic, yet this game is probably being played right now somewhere in the world.

2) The Beer Bong

How To: Pour beer into funnel, attach mouth to hose, and guzzle.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Hot Girl Beer Bong

You would be better off: Much like the shotgun, beer bongs are incredibly wasteful.  If its the oral fixation you’re after; then remove the hose, and place it into a large cup of beer.  Use it like a straw, and be less wasteful.  If you look anything like the girl above, I suggest you tongue the tip of the hose in between drinking.  This will let everyone know that even though you failed at Jenny Craig, you’re still #1 in other areas.

1) The Flaming Shot

How To: Pour shot, light shot on fire, blow fire out, and take the shot.

You would be better off: Actually if you follow the rules above, you will be fine.  Flaming shots are there to dazzle, and you’re ready to become the center of attention.  Show everyone in the room that you’re smarter than a caveman from the Geiko commercials, and blow the fucking flame out first.  If you don’t thats fine, just be sure to get it on tape.

Unfortunately, people from your past are looking for you. People you had hoped would stay forgotten. And your internet listing has made it very easy for them to find you.

They are…

What They’ll Say:

Hi there! Long time no see! Just over here in Liverpool and killing time before the Premier League match – downing a few pints, you know? – and spotted you on the internet. I might have found you earlier, but there’s no internet in South America (at least, not worth using and the net cafes were too expensive in Japan.

I’m moving around a fair bit at the moment, so here’s a link to my travel blog so you can keep track of where I am. Be sure to take a look at the pics I took while trekking in Nepal. It’s an amazing place. Have you been? How’s it going? Drop us a line.

What They’ll Really Mean:

Look at how many countries I’ve been to. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Hey thar sweetie! Howz it going? Who’d you end up marrying? (pix pls ) I know you and Rach didn’t make it but we can’t all marry our childhood sweethearts. I’d luv to here from u! Who’s the kid you ask? This is Emily (Em). She’s only 14 months old and turning into a bit of a princess. Go to my profile and you can see my other bubbies.

Tony’s four now. Little guy wants to be a painter, like his dad. The other girl is Lisa. Popped out two weeks ago. A lil premature but she’s healthy and that’s all that matters. I love them all to death. Adorable, aren’t they? How are you?

What They’ll Really Mean:

Utilizing the natural ability to breed is my achievement. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Wow… how weird is this internet thing? I was just checking out the friends of all my old school friends and found you. Do you remember me? If not − hi there! Hope you’re having a wonderful life with lots of fun and money. I ended up moving out of town. I finished college and am now doing well for myself (better than I thought, actually). That’s my partner in my picture. We’re about to go to Nepal (don’t worry, I’ll be posting pictures). What are you up to these days? It would be great to hear from you.

What They’ll Really Mean:

You rejected me but I recovered and became someone. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Hi all!

This is just an update for everybody about the reunion. I’m still waiting for a few people to get back to me about when the best time is, but it’s looking like it’ll be held between Jan and June.

I’ve found a few more people from class and added them to the list. If this is the first time you’ve received one of these emails, some of us who are still in the old neighborhood will be hiring out the gymnasium at the high school for a get together.

Please let me know when you can make it back to town.

Thanks!

Jools

Reunion committee president

What They’ll Really Mean:

Remember how I was popular in high school? I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Is this who I think it is? I hope so or I might look a bit crazy. I can assure you I’m not though. You might remember me. I wasn’t really ‘known’ at high school. I kept to myself. Surely you remember when I played − or tried to play − the Guns N Roses medley on the piano for the talent quest? Yeah that was me.

I didn’t miss that place when I went to college. Met a nice girl really quickly and I’m still with her. These days I’m managing a small but loyal team for a software company. I’m not bitter about high school though. Some good memories. How are you anyway?

What They’ll Really Mean:

I was rejected at high school but I’ve found a place where I’m accepted. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Dear all.

It’s with deep regret that I must inform you that our friend from high school, Gordon Porgle, was involved in a car accident.

You may remember Gordon as the quiet person who would spend his time in the library rather than waste his time with us outside. One of my favorite memories of Gordon was that time at the school talent quest when he played GnR on the classical piano. It was hilarious.

He is in intensive care, but is expected to make a full recovery. I will be sending a card soon. If you would like your name to be included, please let me know.

What They’ll Really Mean:

I’ve atoned for being an asshole at high school by caring about the uncool kid. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Hey hey! Look who it is!!! What are you doing these days? Still crazy? I’m not going out like I used to, but I guess that’s just part of getting older and putting on the old ball-and-chain (but I call her my fiance). Once married, we’re going to put most of our money into a crepe business down at the local mall. It should make enough money to get by and give Naomi some work to do from home when we have kids. It’s sad that we’ll soon be settled down, isn’t it? haha!

How you doing?

What They’ll Really Mean:

I’m trying to put my youth into perspective before I settle down and I think you can give me closure. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Hey champ!

Long time no see! What are you up to? Have you moved on from that job you hate yet? Man I would hate working in that sort of business, but I’m sure something will come up soon.

The business that Tony and I started is going well. If you ever want to get into investments and start to play with the big boys give me a bell. I know several stocks that are a sure bet for low capital investors. In the meantime, if anybody you know needs investment advice, send them through to my website, won’t you?

What They’ll Really Mean:

I want you to tell people about my business so I can make more money. I’m better than you.

What They’ll Say:

Good friend from a yesteryear passing.

I was, simply running my tired eyes over the complexities of human existence in the electronic age − fashion, dot-coms, recipe indexes − when I stumble across the musings of a brother from the past. It is with great pleasure that I share the love of God with you and offer you my shankra. The sublime Lord has allowed love of humans to spread as energy, which is why He/She (?) allowed the Network of Hope to be created. I am floating an egg for you and hope you will share with me your comings and goings; toings and frowings; wins and deaths, so we shall once again share.

What They’ll Really Mean:

How are you? I’d really like to hear from you because you’re a great person.

What They’ll Say:

Dear old friend!

How great it is to find you here! The old train carriage; the basketball game with no basketball; the runaway cheesecake − it’s all coming back to me now! If only we could live these days again. Haha!

Are you on WOW? Come and join my guild (level 50s or over). If not, get in touch and let me know when you’re back in town! How have you been?

What They’ll Really Mean:

I’m better than you.

There are a ton of other great beers out there to beat the heat. Alaskan Summer Ale and Yuengling Lager come to mind. That being said I am trying to make sure these beers have a wider distribution so that all reading this column can enjoy.

Victory Prima Pils

10. Victory Prima Pils – The perfect BBQ beer. This beer has the body and flowery aroma of a pilsner but is one of the hoppiest pilsners on the market. This allows Prima Pils to stand up to the spiciness of peppery BBQ’ed meat coming off of your grill. Prima Pils also has a great sparkling carbonation that not only is refreshing but will cleanse the pallete of thick BBQ sauces and pasta/potato salads.

Landshark Lager

9. Landshark Lager – I first had this refreshing Lager on a 105 degree day in Las Vegas. This is a perfect summer session beer. This larger is crisp, clean and satisfying and is a perfect beer to ice down by the six-pack in a bucket. The perfect cooler companion.

Saison Dupont Farmhouse Ale

8. Saison Dupont Farmhouse Ale- Perfect for those scorching August nights. This beer is very dry and crisp with a lot of characteristics of a Sauvignon Blanc. During those moonlit summer nights this is the beer to be shared with someone special. Dupont’s caged, corked finished bottle will add a little class to your special evening.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

7. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale – You can go home again. Admit it this is the beer that started you off on your journey into the world of microbrews. Now that you have trained and sharpened your palate this is the perfect time to rediscover this classic.

6. Pabst Blue Ribbon – I have a cold can of PBR in my hand right now as I write this. This 2006 Great American Beer Festival Gold Medal winner is so under rated. Not only is this a hoppy American style lager it is inexpensive. At $15 dollars per 30 pack it is a perfect beer to fill you cooler to the brim. Available in 12 ounce cans it is an awesome companion for the golf course or beach.

5. Sam Adams Summer Ale – This is a great American style wheat beer. What makes this beer stand out among the throng of American Wheat Beers is grains of paradise, a rare pepper from Africa. The lemon zest makes this beer a no brainer to pair with grilled lemon pepper chicken or shrimp on the barbie.

4. Ommegang Witte Ale – This is a light Belgian style wheat beer with tart citrus flavors and a touch of coriander. This beer is best paired with a fresh citrus fruit salad. Throw some chilled grapefruit, orange and tangerine in a bowl with some mandarin oranges now you have the perfect companion for this great beer.

3. Harpoon Summer – The classic Kolsch Ale. It has the body and color of a pilsner, with the fruit esters of ale. I call this beer the crowd pleaser. It is light enough to appeal to American Lager drinkers and has more than enough flavor to satisfy any beer geek or even snob. Harppon summer is also great with all of your outdoor fare. Harpoon Summer matches up just as well with a New England Clambake as it does with burgers and dogs.

2. Stone Cali-Belgique IPA – What can I say, Stone does it again. This is a huge American IPA with Belgian yeast. When I say huge I want you to understand this beer is coming at you at 77 IBU’s. Cali-Belgique is not only the hoppiest of our summer drinking list it is the strongest. This beer is weighing in at 6.9%, not quite an IIPA but with the IBUs an alcohol by volume Stone Brewing Co. could have given this beer that moniker. The spiciness of the Belgium yeast playing off of the Chinook hops makes this a very interesting summer sipper.

1. Erdinger Weissbier – This is a classic German style wheat beer. This is a cloudy beer due to the fact it is unfiltered and bottle conditioned. Banana and spice aromas are obvious in the aroma of this beer along with a touch of grass and lemon. Traditionally this style of beer is served with a lemon slice. Ignore the status quo and go with an orange slice or a wedge of grapefruit. Better yet cut up a bowl of mixed fresh melons. Some cantaloupe, honeydew and watermelon mixed in a bowl with a bit of pineapple are the perfect back deck companion for this great brew.

Check out our newest articles: The 10 People You’ll Meet On Facebook and Retarded Acts Of Drinking

So after 365 days of mental masturbation over this laptop purchase, I make my way to Best Buy.  It is now time to pull the trigger and I want to be ABSOLUTLEY certain that I shoudn’t stick with Windows.  Hell, Windows has been with me my whole life, do I really want to jump ship?

So I enter Best Buy and head down the main hallway.  Dead ahead is the PC/laptop area, with the Apple display off to the right.  As I hit the PC section, I get hit with a sign from God.

I stop just long enough to snap this shot with my phone and immediately head to the mac display with a new found confidence  about my decision.

*This post has been written on my  new aluminum macbook and I couldn’t be happier with the choice.

Link for the non-believers

Ten Reasons You Should Be Drinking A Beer Right Now

Go ahead, go get one right now before you read on.  We’ll wait.

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

-Benjamin Franklin

1.   Reduces General Heart Disease – Vitamin B6, found in beer,  prevents the build-up of homocysteine, an amino acid which has been linked to heart disease.  Higher levels of homocysteine in our bodies can make us more susceptible to vascular and heart diseases.

2.   Coronary Artery Disease (CAD) -Case studies have shown that 30-35% of men who drink beer in moderation are less likely to have heart attacks.  Polyphenol, an antioxidant, is just as much present in beer as it is in red wines.

3.   Reduces Risk of Coronary Thrombosis – Coronary thrombosis occurs when the opening of an artery becomes so small, the flow of blood is blocked.  Beer acts as a blood thinner, reducing the risk of a heart attack.

“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of –and solution to–all life’s problems.”

-Homer Simpson

4.   Reduces Risk of Atherosclerosis -Beer boosts levels of high-density lipoprotein (HDL), the good cholesterol, lowers insulin levels, which is good for non-diabetics because it reduces the chance of developing atherosclerosis, or hardening of the arteries.

5.   Reduces Risk of Kidney Stones – It is not 100% certain why kidney stones form.  Genetics and diet have played a major role with those individuals who develop them.  Kidney stones may be reduced in middle-aged men by 40%.  Scientists are unsure if these results were due to the water, alcohol, or hops.

6.  Insomnia – A common disorder that affects 1 out of every 10 adults.  A good night sleep is beneficial for you energy level and mood.  The general affect of beer has a tendency to make one drowsy.

7.   Cancer – The hops in beer contain xanthohumol, a powerful antioxidant.  Concentrations of xanthohumol occur naturally in dark beer and can assist your body in stopping the early stages of tumor growth.

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”

-Kaiser Wilhelm

8.   Reduces Osteoporosis - Hops in beer contain phyto-estrogens, a compound that will help reduce hot flashes and fight osteoporosis in postmenopausal women.  Beer should not be used as a replacement for estrogen therapy.

9.   Lowers Cholesterol – Moderate consumption of beer has been shown to increase the HDL cholesterol and lowers the low-density lipoprotein (LDL), also know as the “bad cholesterol” in postmenopausal women.  Analyzed data suggests more than one or two servings per day is not productive and considered detrimental.

10. Hypertension – Studies have shown a 14% lowered risk in high blood pressure by women consuming two or three beers a week.   Hypertension is a disease where the blood pressure is chronically elevated.

An average 12oz beer contains 150 calories, no fat, no cholesterol, no caffeine, and is 92% water.

The base of the idea for Facebook was thought of on October 28th, 2003. It was a Tuesday night and Zuckerberg was sitting at his computer, apparently drunk, writing in his blog. He was looking at various students photos posted on the schools network, amazed at just how ugly some of the kids at Harvard were.

I’m a little intoxicated, not gonna lie. So what if it’s not even 10pm and it’s a Tuesday night? What? The Kirkland facebook is open on my computer desktop and some of these people have pretty horrendous facebook pics. I almost want to put some of these faces next to pictures of farm animals and have people vote on which is more attractive. It’s not such a great idea and probably not even funny, but Billy comes up with the idea of comparing two people from the facebook, and only sometimes putting a farm animal in there. Good call Mr. Olson! I think he’s onto something.

So amazed at this fact, he wanted to compare all the students to farm animals. Thats right. The very social network you’re a part of was originally rooted in an application to compare you to a horses ass. From here Zuckerberg proceeded to scan and download every publicly available student photo from the network to begin coding his application.

Eventually, this application would evolve into something called ‘FaceMatch’. This program would put two peoples pictures side by side, and let you click on which one was more attractive. It would then aggregate all the data and rank each person from most attractive to least attractive.

This application got Zuckerberg in a bit of hot water with the administration at Harvard. In the eyes of Harvard, Zuckerberg didnt have legal permission to use everyones photos. Since Harvard’s network was technically private, the ‘Ad Board’ at Harvard did the next worst thing to being expelled.

Court: All right. Did you also develop before FaceBook a program called FaceMatch?
Zuckerberg: Yeah.
Question: Okay. Can you describe that for us briefly?
Zuckerberg: It was somewhat of a joke, but I mean basically what it was is it took all of Harvard’s students I.D. pictures, and it would, and it basically like allowed the student body population to rank all the photos according to the attractiveness of the people in the photos by using the chess ranking algorithm for taking two players which had different ranks and assigned new ranks based upon who won a match. So I mean, it would show two at a time and then you can click on one and that person would be more attractive.
Court: And this was pictures of the undergraduate student body at Harvard; is that correct?
Zuckerberg: Yeah
Court: Did you get in any trouble for doing that?
Zuckerberg: Yeah

Court: Who was making complaints?
Zuckerberg: The University
Court: Specifically, whom did you receive complaints from?
Zuckerberg: I dont remember exactly.
Court: So within four hours after you launched it, you received a complaint or one or more complaints from somebody at the university?
Zuckerberg: Yeah. I heard from people within the school and then like — by the end of that night they had taken away my internet connection but the site was already down before that.
Court: Who is they?
Zuckerberg: The schools IT department
Court: And did you have to — did you receive any other complaints about FaceMash other than the initial ones?
Zuckerberg: Well, I got a formal complaint from the school and eventually got in a lot of trouble for it.
Court: What kind of trouble did you get into?
Zuckerberg: I forgot what it’s called. I got put on probation I think.
Court: What were the terms of the probation.
Zuckerberg: It was basically just like dont do anything worse or dont do anything bad or else you’ll probably get kicked out from school. Probation is like one step less than getting kicked out.

Shortly thereafter, The Crimson, Harvard’s newspaper had a story about his software.

Much of the trouble surrounding the facemash could have been eliminated if only the site had limited itself to students who voluntarily uploaded their own photos. A site that allows us to succumb to the guilty pleasure of judging our friends and enemies in an e-Darwinist free-for-all would be acceptable—and hilarious—so long as its targets all choose to opt themselves into the spotlight.

Zuckerberg later used this student newspaper article in his defense against ConnectU, stating that it was where his idea, rooted in comparing you to animals and changed into a voting platform, evolved into FaceBook. At the beginning of that spring semester, FaceBook officially launched at Harvard and attracted over 4,000 students in the first few weeks. That semester would be Zuckerberg’s last. By the end of May, Facebook had spread to “28 or 29 schools” with 150-200,000 registered users. It was then that the founders decided to make the trek to California to sublet a house and program all summer.

In his testimony Mark made it sound like the only thing they did was sleep and program. At the end of their arranged sublet, they hadnt moved out yet. One of the managers of the property had come over to notify them that they had to vacate and noticed large amounts of damage done to the property including damage done to the roof after they built a zip line.

“After getting up on the roof to check the chimney where they had zip line running from chimney over to telephone pole beyond pool.

• All the furniture was in the garage, broken, and ‘buried’
• Mirrors broken/chipped
• Decorations from the wall pulled off and thrown on the floor
• Other various furnishings in the garage
• Grill dumped all over back yard
• Landscaping ruined
• Laundry room door broken off
• Pool heater broken
• Broken glass in the pool/filter
• Part of the roofing broken

But the dirtiest secret in the FaceBook deposition wasnt any of this. It was surrounding the Behavior of the then president Shawn Parker.

Zuckerberg: I didnt think he was a good manager of people. I didnt think some of the things he did reflected well on us when he was hiring people.
Court: What sort of things were those?
Zuckerberg: He was just a little erratic.
Court: What do you mean erratic?
Zuckerberg: Not consistent in his behavior. Sometimes he freaked people out.
Zuckerberg: How did he freak people out?
Zuckerberg: I think when he was talking to people he generally often did not make a good first impression. They just thought he was weird or like out of control or something. So that was one thing. And then he was managing different parts of the business, like the sales team and that wasn’t doing that well.
Court: Other than freaking people out and having trouble managing the salespeople, did you have any other criticisms of Shawn Parker?
Zuckerberg: Well, I said that I didnt think he was good at operating the role of president and he had like put the company in danger with some legal issues.
Court: What did he do?
Zuckerberg: And this is most confidential?
Court: Yes.
Zuckerberg: He was arrested for cocaine posession. I guess he was at a party with one of the employees of the company

So there you have it. Zuckerberg had an idea to compare students to farm animals, which evolved into an attractiveness rating program, and with the help of Harvard’s student newspaper, it finally turned into the initial idea for FaceBook. Then, while expanding its website they managed to completely trash their sublet and hire/fire a president with a big cocaine problem.

Who says Harvard students are boring?

A couple of us were out there talking to her earlier but she was too messed up and crazy so we let her be.
and the songs she was listening to were satisfaction and ecstasy.

Click for the video.

Cajun girls have irresistible accents that make them extra attractive. LSU also has great cheerleaders, and their marching band even gets into the act, featuring a subunit called the LSU Golden Girls.

9. University of Georgia

There’s still a lot of Scarlett O’Hara in Georgia girls. Like most southern women they take a huge amount of pride in their appearance, so it’s unlikely you’re going to see Bulldog girls wearing sweatpants and baggy sweatshirts all that often. Which is a definite plus.

8. Auburn University

Another southern school with girls who know how to look good, Auburn features a huge number of Sorority girls (34 percent of Auburn women pledge). Fall Saturdays features all kinds of hot Auburn girls on display, especially during the “Tiger Walk”, a tradition where fans line Donahue Drive to cheer on the team as they walk from Sewell Hall to the Auburn football stadium.

7. UCLA

Los Angeles features some of the most beautiful women on earth, in small part thanks to UCLA women. Great cheerleaders and an area with tons of girls who want to end up in the entertainment industry equals a pretty high rating.

6. South Carolina

It’s really hard to resist cracking a Gamecocks joke here (even harder than avoiding a “Crimson Tide” one above), so I’ll just say South Carolina women easily live up to their reputation as gorgeous Southern belles.

5. Ole Miss

Anyone who has spent any time in the Grove on a fall Saturday can tell you that Ole Miss is teeming with beautiful women. The football team generally has a tough time, but the girls and tailgating more than makes up for it. Plus you have to love a school where the slogan is “we may have lost the game, but we’ve never lost a party”.

4. University of Florida

The University of Florida takes more pride in its women than the vast majority of schools in America. Any Google Image search with a variation of the words “University of Florida girls” will show you that, and Gator fans definitely are justified in that pride.

3. Florida State University

Florida State’s athletics have fallen from prominence a bit lately, but the school still boasts some of the best looking women in America. Florida State features Uber Seminoles fan Jenn Sterger, a girl made famous simply for showing up to Florida State football games wearing very little.

2. University of Southern California

USC has the hottest cheerleaders, hands down, in the country, and that excellence filters down to the rest of the student body. You really can’t lose going to school at either of the major Los Angeles universities.

1. Arizona State University

When first making this list, USC was slotted in at the top, but after doing some research it became clear that Arizona State was going to have to be #1. Arizona State girls seemingly go to great lengths at sporting events to outdo one another when it comes to hotness, which is great since we all benefit from their competitiveness. A website/calendar company called Tempe12 started by selling a calendar filled with hot Arizona State women out of a guy’s bedroom, and was so successful its now a large and thriving business. That tells you everything you need to know.