5) The Shotgun

How To: Puncture bottom of beer can, place your mouth on the opening, and open the beer.  This results in beer flowing into your mouth at high rates of speed.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Shotgun

You would be better off: Just drinking a beer fast.  Shotgunning a beer leaves about 1/4 of your beer on the floor.  Unless you live in a frat house or trailer park there is no reason to shotgun a beer.

4) The Kegstand

How To: Place hands on top of keg and let others lift your legs high above you.  One person will be designated to put the beer nozzle in your mouth once you are in a hand stand position.

You would be better off:

Pouring the beer into a cup like everyone else.  If hand stands are what you’re after, you can try one after you’ve guzzled 6 or 7 beers (preferably near the fire pit).  No one wants your saliva in their beer, the only reason people agree to assist with keg stands is for the possibility of epic failure.

3) 40 Hands

How To: Tape a 40 to each of your hands.  Use duct tape and make sure it is impossible to remove the 40’s without assistance.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Edward 40 Hands

You would be better off: Just drinking one 40 at a time.  The idea of 40 hands is to drink 80 ounces of beer before you can use your hands again.  Well, most of us know that after a few beers nature will let us know that its our turn to piss all over someones bathroom.  Asking for immunity would result in a list of insults (usually involving female genitalia).  The only way to get out of that duct tape is to drink, and drink fast.  80 ounces of booze in your stomach in a matter of minutes is no picnic, yet this game is probably being played right now somewhere in the world.

2) The Beer Bong

How To: Pour beer into funnel, attach mouth to hose, and guzzle.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Hot Girl Beer Bong

You would be better off: Much like the shotgun, beer bongs are incredibly wasteful.  If its the oral fixation you’re after; then remove the hose, and place it into a large cup of beer.  Use it like a straw, and be less wasteful.  If you look anything like the girl above, I suggest you tongue the tip of the hose in between drinking.  This will let everyone know that even though you failed at Jenny Craig, you’re still #1 in other areas.

1) The Flaming Shot

How To: Pour shot, light shot on fire, blow fire out, and take the shot.

You would be better off: Actually if you follow the rules above, you will be fine.  Flaming shots are there to dazzle, and you’re ready to become the center of attention.  Show everyone in the room that you’re smarter than a caveman from the Geiko commercials, and blow the fucking flame out first.  If you don’t thats fine, just be sure to get it on tape.

Ten Reasons You Should Be Drinking A Beer Right Now

Go ahead, go get one right now before you read on.  We’ll wait.

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

-Benjamin Franklin

1.   Reduces General Heart Disease – Vitamin B6, found in beer,  prevents the build-up of homocysteine, an amino acid which has been linked to heart disease.  Higher levels of homocysteine in our bodies can make us more susceptible to vascular and heart diseases.

2.   Coronary Artery Disease (CAD) -Case studies have shown that 30-35% of men who drink beer in moderation are less likely to have heart attacks.  Polyphenol, an antioxidant, is just as much present in beer as it is in red wines.

3.   Reduces Risk of Coronary Thrombosis – Coronary thrombosis occurs when the opening of an artery becomes so small, the flow of blood is blocked.  Beer acts as a blood thinner, reducing the risk of a heart attack.

“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of –and solution to–all life’s problems.”

-Homer Simpson

4.   Reduces Risk of Atherosclerosis -Beer boosts levels of high-density lipoprotein (HDL), the good cholesterol, lowers insulin levels, which is good for non-diabetics because it reduces the chance of developing atherosclerosis, or hardening of the arteries.

5.   Reduces Risk of Kidney Stones – It is not 100% certain why kidney stones form.  Genetics and diet have played a major role with those individuals who develop them.  Kidney stones may be reduced in middle-aged men by 40%.  Scientists are unsure if these results were due to the water, alcohol, or hops.

6.  Insomnia – A common disorder that affects 1 out of every 10 adults.  A good night sleep is beneficial for you energy level and mood.  The general affect of beer has a tendency to make one drowsy.

7.   Cancer – The hops in beer contain xanthohumol, a powerful antioxidant.  Concentrations of xanthohumol occur naturally in dark beer and can assist your body in stopping the early stages of tumor growth.

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”

-Kaiser Wilhelm

8.   Reduces Osteoporosis - Hops in beer contain phyto-estrogens, a compound that will help reduce hot flashes and fight osteoporosis in postmenopausal women.  Beer should not be used as a replacement for estrogen therapy.

9.   Lowers Cholesterol – Moderate consumption of beer has been shown to increase the HDL cholesterol and lowers the low-density lipoprotein (LDL), also know as the “bad cholesterol” in postmenopausal women.  Analyzed data suggests more than one or two servings per day is not productive and considered detrimental.

10. Hypertension – Studies have shown a 14% lowered risk in high blood pressure by women consuming two or three beers a week.   Hypertension is a disease where the blood pressure is chronically elevated.

An average 12oz beer contains 150 calories, no fat, no cholesterol, no caffeine, and is 92% water.

Click for the video.

So you’ve been drinking a fair amount of vino and hop in the car with your two young children. Pretty soon you see the cherries flashing in your rear view mirror and pull over. You’re drunk and you know it. Time to make a serious choice.

Do you:
A) Tell the cop you’ve had some wine and take the field sobriety test.
B) Politely decline a field sobriety test, breathalyzer or any other test and keep quiet until you get a lawyer cause you KNOW you’re drunk.
C) Hide your keys in your vagina and insist that you weren’t driving. Then proceed to swear at the cop when they ask you to take a field sobriety test until they arrest you, strip search you and find out exactly what you were hiding.

At a St. Patty’s day party this weekend I talked to a cop and a lawyer about this question. Both said option B is the best choice if you know you’re drunk. Now, I was a little hammered at the time, but I’m just about certain that nothing even CLOSE to option C was mentioned in our conversation. However, according to the Peterleemail that was the exact advice given to 38 year old Jennifer Lowery by a friend. Here’s how it went down:

“She was asked to produce the keys and disputes she had driven the vehicle and was searched,” added Mrs Jones.

She said this was followed by an “intimate search”, which she also called a “strip search”.

Mrs Jones said that although Lowery maintained she had not been driving, she admitted she had hidden the keys because a friend had told her you could not be charged without the keys.

So make a serious ‘note to self’ ladies… (car keys + vagina != no DUI).

On Super Bowl Sunday, a deputy saw a car drive through a red light and swerve back and forth over the center lane on U.S. 1 South.

The deputy stopped the car.

Investigators say the woman, who identified herself as Tina Williams, smelled of alcohol.

According to the report, Williams told the deputy she never had a license and was running out of gas.

The deputy saw a case of Busch beer in the front seat with a seat belt around it, and a baby girl in the backseat.

When asked why the girl wasn’t restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, “I don’t know.”

Williams told the deputy she had a few drinks. Authorities say she staggered when she got out of her car.

The deputy arrested her for DUI after she failed a field sobriety test.

Authorities also found two silver metal pipes in her purse.

Williams faces charges of driving under the influence, child endangerment, driving without a valid license running a red light and not having a seatbelt or child restraint.

The discovery could lead to healthier beers and food supplements.

One day when you hold up a glass and say, “To your health,” you would actually be toasting a triumph of the brewer’s art over disease.

The preliminary studies indicate xanthohumol, found in hops, inhibits a family of enzymes that can trigger the cancer process, as well as help the body detoxify carcinogens, according to the science newswire Ivanhoe.

“It’s very healthy. I think the ingredients in the beer are very good,” says Dr Werner Back, a brewing technology expert at the Technical University of Munich.

Xanthohumol contains more powerful antioxidants than vitamin E and some studies indicate it helps reduce oxidation of bad cholesterol, the newswire reported.

“Xanthohumol has been shown to be a very active substance against cancer,” says Dr Markus Herrmann, also of Munich. “It comes in small sticky beads, which you find within the hops.”

Hops have always been known to possess medicinal properties and are used in herbal medicines as a muscle relaxant. Other compounds found in hops are potent phytoestrogens. Scientists say these compounds could ultimately help prevent post-menopausal hot flashes and osteoporosis.

Now scientists have discovered hops contain xanthohumol, a powerful antioxidant.

“It comes in small, sticky beads, which you find within the hops,” says Herrmann.

Xanthohumol shuts down enzymes called cytochromes P-4; they can activate the cancer process. It also helps the body detoxify carcinogens, stopping tumour growth at an early stage.

Preliminary studies at Oregon State University show that xanthohumol can kill breast, colon, ovarian, and prostate cancers, the newswire reported.

But don’t toast your health too soon. The German researchers warn that it would take 60 regular beers to equal the amount of xanthohumol researchers are able to brew in this one beer.

That’s why scientists are now working on ways to give all beers higher levels of Xanthohumol, and even find ways to add it to other foods, like chocolate.

And they say, just like chocolate – the darker the beer, the better it is for you.

Our favorite quotes include:

Reporter: Why dont you take your glasses off so we can see you, and then apologize.

Cory: No, nah, I’ll leave these on, I like em.

Reporter: Why dont you make a grown up decision now and accept responsibility, take off those glasses, and apologize to everyone. Take off, take off your glasses

Cory: I’ll say sorry but I wont take off my glasses.

Reporter: Why not?

Cory: Because they’re famous.

Reporter: I suggest you go away and take a good long hard look at yourself

Cory: I have, everyone has, they love it.

The fish were the drinkers in a strange ceremony dating back to the Edo Period in which lively carp are made to consume a large dose of sake as they symbolically take on people’s calamities. After drinking the sake, the fish are released into a river.

A total of 62 people who this year were set to reach an age said to require care against calamities — 25 and 42 for men and 19 and 33 for women — took part in the Jan. 7 ceremony, praying for things such as long life and academic achievement.

During the event, which involved proceedings at a Shinto shrine, carp were captured by men wearing traditional crest-bearing garments, and a woman dressed in a kimono poured a bottle of sacred sake into the mouths of the fish before they were released into the river.

Filled up with sake, the carp at first turned belly-up on the surface of the water. But they soon recovered and swam off.

In what may be the most extreme drunk driving case ever, an Oregon woman was arrested last month with a .72 blood alcohol level–nine times the state’s legal limit. Terri Comer, 42, was arrested after she was discovered unconscious in her car, which sheriff’s deputies found running and in a snow bank on a highway in Klamath County at 11:30 AM on December 28. After breaking a car window, rescuers removed the comatose Comer from her Toyota and transported her to a local hospital, where a blood draw revealed the .72 BAC. She was reportedly hospitalized for a day before being released. As seen in a police photo, Comer’s vehicle came to a stop about 50 feet in front of one of those portable traffic signs reminding motorists not to drink and drive (a close-up of the sign can be seen here). Comer is pictured below in a 2006 mug shot snapped after a prior drunk driving arrest. In that case, her BAC was recorded in the relatively minor .3 range. In November, another Oregon woman, Meagan Harper, was nabbed for drunk driving with an extreme BAC. In her case, Harper’s BAC was measured at .55. Comer’s .72 edges out what TSG has previously identified as the highest BAC we’ve ever seen. That fallen record (.69) was held by Willard Ashley III, an Indiana man who was busted in October 2003.

From The Smoking Gun