The Liquor Cabinet

Retarded acts of drinking are nothing like the conventional ‘drinking game’.  They cannot be classified as drinking games because there is really no way to win.  Peer pressure, bad judgment, and a need for attention will almost guarantee that you’ll be the moron performing one of these acts.  We’ve singled out 5 of the most pointless, so that you may think back to this article when you’re being hoisted high above a keg this weekend.

5) The Shotgun

How To: Puncture bottom of beer can, place your mouth on the opening, and open the beer.  This results in beer flowing into your mouth at high rates of speed.

Retarded Acts Of Drinking Shotgun

You would be better off: Just drinking a beer fast.  Shotgunning a beer leaves about 1/4 of your beer on the floor.  Unless you live in a frat house or trailer park there is no reason to shotgun a beer.

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For many years all across the lands, we toasted one another to good health.  Those indulging may not have realized the true potential of the cold refreshing beverage. Now, after a century of studies, scientists have confirmed there are realized benefits of a nice cold beer.  So in the spirit of Octoberfest, we give you…

Ten Reasons You Should Be Drinking A Beer Right Now

Go ahead, go get one right now before you read on.  We’ll wait.

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

-Benjamin Franklin

1.   Reduces General Heart Disease – Vitamin B6, found in beer,  prevents the build-up of homocysteine, an amino acid which has been linked to heart disease.  Higher levels of homocysteine in our bodies can make us more susceptible to vascular and heart diseases.

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The AP reports that 26-year old Jeff Libby has created and sold what will probably be looked back on as the first great invention of the 21st century. Stem cells are cool and all, but this guy has really done it. He has created and sold the first “Table-Top Beer Tap” system to a sports bar in Atlanta. It cost the bar $50,000 in total, but they’ve got 30 of them installed in the place. Isn’t this on the level of flying cars and rocket packs? As kids we always wished we could just somehow rewind live TV and up stepped TIVO to make our dreams a reality. Jeff Libby is 2008’s version of TIVO. Thank you Jeff.The system measures your pourage and charges you by the ounce. Makes sense to me, except that it charges for foam.

Click for the video.

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So you’ve been drinking a fair amount of vino and hop in the car with your two young children. Pretty soon you see the cherries flashing in your rear view mirror and pull over. You’re drunk and you know it. Time to make a serious choice.

Do you:
A) Tell the cop you’ve had some wine and take the field sobriety test.
B) Politely decline a field sobriety test, breathalyzer or any other test and keep quiet until you get a lawyer cause you KNOW you’re drunk.
C) Hide your keys in your vagina and insist that you weren’t driving. Then proceed to swear at the cop when they ask you to take a field sobriety test until they arrest you, strip search you and find out exactly what you were hiding.

At a St. Patty’s day party this weekend I talked to a cop and a lawyer about this question. Both said option B is the best choice if you know you’re drunk. Now, I was a little hammered at the time, but I’m just about certain that nothing even CLOSE to option C was mentioned in our conversation. However, according to the Peterleemail that was the exact advice given to 38 year old Jennifer Lowery by a friend. Here’s how it went down:

“She was asked to produce the keys and disputes she had driven the vehicle and was searched,” added Mrs Jones.

She said this was followed by an “intimate search”, which she also called a “strip search”.

Mrs Jones said that although Lowery maintained she had not been driving, she admitted she had hidden the keys because a friend had told her you could not be charged without the keys.

So make a serious ‘note to self’ ladies… (car keys + vagina != no DUI).

ST. AUGUSTINE, FL — Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seatbelt or car seat.

On Super Bowl Sunday, a deputy saw a car drive through a red light and swerve back and forth over the center lane on U.S. 1 South.

The deputy stopped the car.

Investigators say the woman, who identified herself as Tina Williams, smelled of alcohol.

According to the report, Williams told the deputy she never had a license and was running out of gas.

The deputy saw a case of Busch beer in the front seat with a seat belt around it, and a baby girl in the backseat.

When asked why the girl wasn’t restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, “I don’t know.”

Williams told the deputy she had a few drinks. Authorities say she staggered when she got out of her car.

The deputy arrested her for DUI after she failed a field sobriety test.

Authorities also found two silver metal pipes in her purse.

Williams faces charges of driving under the influence, child endangerment, driving without a valid license running a red light and not having a seatbelt or child restraint.